Saturday, 6 October 2012

How not to finish a triathlon

There are many books, coaches and websites out there that will tell you how to get faster. How to train like a pro, set a new PB, improve your splits. This list is like that but for the opposite, how not to finish a race. This is suitable for anyone who wants to participate in triathlon not just people who have an accidentally entered one.

So without further ado here my list.

1. Don't Enter

Not entering or leaving it as late as possible so that the event is fully booked is by face the easiest way to not finish. If you can avoid turning up the first place then you won't have to worry about anything else and you can have a lay in that morning instead. Many people at transition will probably be wishing that they had also stayed in bed so you will be one up on the.

2. Get Lost On The Way

If you have managed to enter but still looking for an out then don't write down any directions of how to get to registration. Ideally leave your phone and or sat nav at home. This will increase your changes of getting lost and driving around the middle of no where at the point you wave start. This will give you ample excuses to locate the nearest place to buy coffee and ask for directions back home.

3. Forget something or everything

In the unfortunate event that you have not only managed to enter in time and make it registration there are still things you can do to weasel out of it. Forget something important. Ideally you want to make sure that it is not something that another competitor can lead you. Your bike would be a good start, but someone might notice that when you leave. Something smaller like a helmet or wheel (if you need to take it off to fit on/in your car). The easiest way to do this is leave the packing to the last minute, ideally 5 minutes before you leave. Rushing in the morning will also help add to the mix and will add an air or authenticity when explaining to the other competitors why you can't race. At this point it is most likely that someone has brought a spare piece of kit with them which they may offer to lend to you. You must try your best to politely decline their offer otherwise you will have no choice but to go to the start line.

4. Disorganise Transition

When laying out all of your kit don't put them in logically positions. Make it as hard as possible to find what you need when you come in from the swim and the bike. Ideally you want to make sure that you don't put your shoes together, if you do make sure that they aren't a matching pair. This will add some extra fun by making a mini treasure hunt in the middle of the race.

5. Safety Swim

Now you have resigned yourself to the fact that you will be starting the race so it would be really dangerous to yourself and other people to get over worked up and have a panic attack during the swim. Just take the swim as slowly as possible, making sure that you don't hold up anyone else. You don't want to cause someone else to have a bad race and risk being disqualified, that would just be bad form.

6. T1 Support

Don't run too fast to T1 after the swim, remember you have wet feet and don't want to slip and injure yourself. When entering T1 see if there is anyone else around that you can have a chat with to psych yourself up before the bike. If you have been lucky to drag some supports out of their beds to watch you then the least you can do is have a chat with them to make sure they are enjoying them selves.

7. Enjoy the scenery

The cycle route will probably take you though a nice area, possible through the country side, so it would be rude not to take it all in. Make sure you sit up and look around as the organisers have chosen the route so make the most of it.

8. Get lost

Keep any eye open for other road users and competitors but make sure you look the other way when ever there is a course sign. You can increase your chances of getting lost by not looking at the route before hand. If the bike course is laps thenSeE don't count them, just keep going until you think that you might have done enough. If you aren't 100% sure then do an extra lap anyway so that you don't get disqualified.

9. Force a Mechanical

This can be done in a number of ways, the best thing to do is to try and ride as close to the curb as possible. This is where most of the road debris ends up increasing you chances of a puncture. Pot holes should be thought of as target, try riding over as many as possible. This should take you out of action without causing damage to your bike or yourself.

10. The Run

So you have managed to make it this far with only the run to go. Assuming that you have packed your run shoes you are left with little choice but to complete the race. You have failed to achieve the goal of not finishing so you might as well enjoy the run, making sure to hydrate at the fuel stations high five supports as you pass them and start thinking up your excuses. Run through the finishing shoot making sure you look your best for any race photographers. Job done.

If you fail to complete any of the steps then you are probably onto something good and should look for one of those lists that help you get faster, better, stronger.

No comments:

Post a Comment